Philip John Hutchins (BGS staff 1975-?)

The following story was supplied by Pat Everitt.

My lasting memory of Phil Hutchins was of him running out of our Chemistry lesson because his beloved Moskvitch car had caught fire. Apparently he kept a blanket on the engine overnight to keep it warm and had forgotten to take it off before driving in to school.

A Brief Study of the Hutchins (Scruffyus Teacherus Roscoeus)

(From The Bostonian - 1980)

The Hutchins is most often found in large rooms surrounded by bottles of acid, or in unconventionally-shaped foreign cars, surrounded by thirty or forty of his offspring.

It likes to creep into its lair, the mysterious "back-labs", where clouds of lilac smoke are often seen to be emitted. It has two strange, distinct cries; the one you are most likely to hear is, "Oi! Where's the chawk?", but if you are extremely lucky you may hear the celebrated "Oi! Shattap, you stupid berk, or you'll be back 'ere at breaktime!"*

Most of the time, it sits around feeding its pet ferret, which has more than once been rumoured to be a beard, although occasionally it visits the aforementioned large rooms when full of small humans, to whom it distributes quatities of "text books"; the small humans are then detained by the Hutchins, often with great difficulty, for up to eighty minutes.

Eating habits: As the Hutchins has never yet been seen eating, it must be assumed that the Hutchins has no need for food consumption. But discoveries to the contrary make us think again; every two or three months it likes to drive into the centre of town and stalk many boxes of cornflakes and packets of butter which it transports home in its strange, foreign car. When loading all its goods into the back of its strange foreign car, it was asked about the infrequency of such expeditions. It replied, "Well, I don't like shoppin' mach."

* - this can be modified to "Oi, where's that gawze gone?"

J.S. Ashberry (3A)